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Paradox
Everything, including love, comes with a price.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

i find it hard to move on without you.
blame on my sensitivity boy,
but when you did not message me or talk to me anymore
my thoughts had to make me ponder.
i really dont want anything to happen.
all i want, is you by my side again.
i am not in a stand to tell you i love or i like you.
because, its too secondary 1 or 2 action.
but as a human with feelings,
i am in a stand to tell you, i really miss you by my side.
________, where is the part where you spent your time with me?
i really miss you, i really really want the friendly, fun and the one who was by my side.
not the one where you are now.
Cold, wordless, and drifted.

When an idea struck me to get your attention
I couldnt bear to do it.
Also, you might not take notice.
But i really really want to be like any ordinary girl
and to prove to everyone
i can stick to a guy for long.
and yes, i want you to be that guy.
But im no fool.
If its time to move on, i will.
But i just feel, it isnt time yet.
why cant you tell that i really miss you.
its ok if i cant have you and cant have your love.
indeed, there are better girls around.
but i dont wish you getting hurt over them.
i really want to say, i miss you around.
it may sound cheesy. but hey, i am a girl.
so expect the most cheesy things.
because, im a girl

today is a really tiring day for me.
amaths all the way!
gosh, -.-.
thanks to the strong influence of cho jia jing.
ROAR!):
haha. he is such a cutie.
but still, i hate maths. its final boy, dont make me love it.
its meaningless. hahaha.(:


Saturday, August 29, 2009

went to meet nian today.
lols, i got tricked by him, and he still dared to call me bimbo.
I am not a bimbo! D:<
what the crap.
Anyway, i saw a shirt at purpur.
I am so going to get that. I want i want i want! (:
Oh yes, did i mention that nian looked like a small boy when he was at the arcade?
hahaha.
Hilarious, i want to pinch his cheek. Its a must -.-.

went to church and they had a topic about homosexuality.
LOLS, i didnt know guys were more enthusiastic and interested in these topics -.-
they were talking very loudly behind me and clara.
LOL. hahaha, funny.(:
took a whole lot of pictures.
might be updating them soon.

off to solve jiajing's a maths question,
which is only one.
But he is mean enough,
because he said it was quite hard.
He even wished me luck in staring at it. -.-, haha.


Friday, August 28, 2009

maybe after all, this is true.
You are the ultimate depressed person. You cry for every reason. You are a weakling. You are extremely easy to hurt and cry about everything. It's a good thing to cry, but if you cry too much you're eyes will hurt. You should probably not cry so much, but dont hide your feelings either, just dont be so dramatic. It causes people to either feel sorry for you or create harsh thoughts about you. So, try to cry a little less and let out your feelings at the same time.

shucks people. shucks.):
i was fine until a maths.
teacher made us stay back -.-
i saw him. my moods turned completely.
everything came back to normal.
they sat in a corner. and i am alone.
as usual.
i guess i really am becoming a depressed person.
or is it, maybe its just the weather.
or maybe its because, today just isnt my day.

but still, lets have a little update shall we?
sinyee and i realize, to my horror.
we look alike with our white specs when we took pictures together!
DARN! what to do? i VIP ma. who wouldn't want to look like me. LOL -.-

also, during a maths lesson, those in the room did an experiment on sin yee.
It was hilarious. serious.
Cynthia and i laughed till we acted like we never laughed before.
HAHA!

when in the toilet, something really embarrassing happened to me and joey -.-.
wouldn't speak a word about this because it would really disgrace myself.
and yes, wai kin and cynthia admitted, it was darn embarrassing.
GOSH, i could not believe, it was me -.-.

going to revise my a maths now.
Dang, its sad and disappointing because, i am unable to go out anymore
until the olevel is completed. i was really looking forward for today's movie.):
oh well.... :\


Thursday, August 27, 2009

Having a really strong craving for duck porridge now.
SHUCKS -.-.
a strong confession people, i used to hate duck porridge.
And now, i am having a strong obsession with ducks.
I even got sick of my cat wallpaper and changed it to a duck!?!
what the crap.
And no, i am not in love with anyone, or anything.
I am just.. me.

Today, i admit i was a bit too much.
I was so hyper and just couldnt shut up.
Every sentence then came out of my mouth had a quack, or a duck o.o
i myself find it noisy.
Yet, no idea why, i like it.(:

yesyes, i hate cynthia peh and joey tan! D:<
got hurt by kelly lum!
whywhywhy do they have to be in cahoots and rape my phone?
SHUCKS. now i am left staring at my phone,
hoping that 'she' wouldnt think too much. haha.

today ss, i was so glad it was the topics i studied. as for chem,
i couldnt believe it was easier then the pre prelims!
i hope i do well in these two papers.
God, tomorrow is history.
I got to make mrs M proud! off to study,
i pray 'she' would reply.
and hope 'her' friends wouldnt think too much.
in the first place, i hope 'she' would shut up about the msg.(:

lastly, my depression is back.
and so is my friend gastric.
say hello to them!
*smile and wave. lols -.-

i am trying. and yes, i miss you. Yet, if you have moved on, i shouldnt be a baby and cry and pray that you will come back. It isnt easy, it isnt. Blogging about you isnt going to change a bit. Now, all i ever want is, to forget you completely. Just like how you have forgotten me. Moodless.


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

OH MY GOSH.
i cant believe what i admitted to cynthia.
SHUCKS.

i got rid of you by deleting you in my msn and handphone.
It is a good start for me.
Yet, the biggest challenge is for me to wipe you out completely
in mind, heart and memory.
Why was it that you managed to turn from chili hot to bitter winter cold?
I know that you know i cried because of you.
Then, why arent you telling me anything.
I know the other time you messaged me something.
Yet, i didnt got the chance to read it because i deleted it by accident.
I really hate you.
Yet, this crush is making me falling heels over head on you.
If then, can you please tell me what was that message you sent me?
I know you want to leave me to like her back.
I know you want me to hate you.
But, is it really true that when you said knowing me was a mistake.
Was it really what you wanted and meant.
Even if yes, why cant we remain as friends?
BHZX, what went wrong between us?
because, i really miss the 3 weeks we spent together.
I really did.

CRAPS.
is it me, or is it that he is really freaking hot and cute?
i am just getting rid of one kid. God, dont kill me by sending another hottie down the road.
I am going gaga over him, when i just got rid of this depression over him.
SHUCKS.
no, i am not a flirt.
This is just what a lady should do.

anyway, today English paper was a real killer.
now, i am trying to stuff venice information into my head
like how a maniac would want to stuff himself inside a mouse hole.
SHUCKS SHUCKS SHUCKS.
and i hate clara la.
how dare she enjoy herself watching UP and i am here dying half way!
i message her somemore never reply.
kao.): !


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I AM SICK TODAY.
AND TOMORROW IS MY PRELIMS.
SHUCKS! D:

haha, here i am.
now my turn to blog while cynthia, joey and kelly is in class revising work!
HAHAHAH.
last time was cynthia blogging about us.
now its mine!
ok, now i know what cynthia meant by complete boredom.
sigh):

YOUYOUYOU.
i hate you for playing me.
i cant believe you played me out.
all i can do now, is to wipe you out completely.
just like how you shut me up and out.

NKP
i am going to miss messaging you.
faster clear your handphone bills.
if not, my handphone will be super quiet once again.
(i think). (:

cynthia and joey,
sorry sorry sorry about today!
i completely forget.
i can let you hit me tomorrow.
i cant believe i forgot now we are waiting for each other at the busstop not ava -.-
IMSORRYSORRYSORRY.

alright, off to revise my work.
see, doc told me to rest more leh..
but i decided to be good kid, though i already am.(:


Sunday, August 23, 2009

life is just not fair.
my tutor showed off his blackberry to me today D:
yesyes, i admit i am jealous of his phone!
GAHH, I WANT CHANGE PHONE!
we were talking on msn yesterday from 11 plus till 12 ? lols, i know.
first time, i wake up till so late.
and yes, he was also making fun of my 9pm sleeping time -.-.
haha.
he was promoting his blackberry to me and i just found out.
he is a loyal supporter of starhub. HAHA!
freaking funny mans. he is one hilarious dude.(:
and also, he have this really cool and cute thumbdrive
a brown puppy paw he bought online which he collected just yesterday.
and yesyes, he is trying to make me get one of those too.
hilarious him. hahaha!

and the worse part of yesterday.
i dont know how to cook packet maggi mee
and made a joke out of myself -.-
oh my gosh, even clara chua knows how to cook maggi mee.
this is oh my gosh disgraceful! D:
but finally, i cooked one bowl ALONE for myself!
HAHA. proud of myself yo.(:

NKP!
thank you for everything yesterday.
take care of yourself too.(:

and to my tutor
grrr! once i earned my own money
i will get a blackberry and a thumbdrive to show off to you! D:

lastly, clara chua and jonathan
thanks for teaching me how to cook maggi mee. LOL
HAHAHA.

if making friends depend on moods.
i really have nothing to say.
if you can show me your attitude and i cant.
its seriously darn sickening.
if you dont want to talk to me.
suit yourself and whatever.
and if you have really forgotten everything about me.
seriously, i also have forgotten what we did together too.
and one more thing, i do want to talk to you.
but seeing your attitude towards me makes me sick.
i have to act like everything is my fault.
who you think you are?
playing out my feelings? so -.- la.

its like, when i thought i have everything right.
it turned out, i didnt get anything right at all.
it was just made believe.
what a deceptive world. yet, its reality.
its just so contradicting.


Saturday, August 22, 2009

lols, have really fallen ill after battling with my body for so long.
kind of sorry for clara cos we will not be taking group photo today
suppose to have radical, but mom wants me to stay at home to study. sorrysorrysoryy): !

i really am disappointed and unable to face the truth alone.
we have really drifted, even a fool could tell.
what is going on?
we used to be so noisy together, the four of us.
yet now, we have hardly anything in common left.
even though its only a few more months left,
i really miss the past months we spent together.

and to you, shucks you alright.
she said you were obviously purposely making me upset.
it is obvious you played me out.
it is obvious you have really forgotten everything we did together.
hate is a really strong word.
so i guess, i seriously and really despise you.
and guess what, i am moving on without you,
because the memories you implanted on me its like words on a piece of paper.
It can be erased. Yet, the scars would remain.
However, the paper could still be reused.
and once recycled, the scars would be gone.

This is so annoying.
Slept like a pig from 2.30 till 4.50.
Was really tired.
My throat and nose hurts more than my heart now, so i guess its a good thing.
Gosh, i really want to have some selective memory loss then to be in this situation
i should not have been in. Because, i am tired.
Physically, Emotionally and Mentally.
Is there really away to forget you completely.
The more i see the blog, the more i want to hate myself for loving you.
and i want to hate you for leaving me all alone.
I want to cry so badly in someone's arms.
Who can be my comforting shoulder?
i intended it to be clara and today. Yet, i am sick.
So i am left facing with the pain once again all alone.


Thursday, August 20, 2009

You have really changed. I dont know if i have the courage anymore to step out of this circle of pain. It seems on the surface, everyone is always here for me. Yet, when there is a tide pushing me down, you are not here for me. It hurts, and yes, i feel that, i really am afraid of falling in love again. And i really hope, this fear wouldnt come true. Everyone got to move on. So i guess, its taking time to heal. And i found out, all these while, i really meant nothing to you. And you were treating me as a fool.

Chinese results was out,
gotten b4. kind of upset though,
yet, i thank God it was not anymore worse.
Moods are still currently unstable.
Yes, i am still unable to let go off you.
And yes, you have really changed.
From the anything can share with me type of guy
To the i got someone else already, leave me alone type of guy.
I feel so used, such a fool.
My emotions fail me time and time again.
I really really am afraid to fall in love.
And strangely, recently, i no longer am what i used to be.
Thanks to you, _____________.

i just got my head clear and ready to move on with this happy feeling with you around me.
yet, you drove me off course and expecting me to get hit real bad.
well, now, i got hit rel bad, and i am really afraid to get back on the road anymore.
i hope this makes you happy.
i know it isnt your fault, cos you dont know anything.
yet, i dont know why you became so cold to me.
maybe after all, everything really is my fault, as usual.

p.s i realized my tagboard is becoming like a fruit board! O.O.
and did i mention, i am having a cough that would make me lose my voice if not well taken of?
thank god my oral is finished! x:

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

From a should to a must, from a want to a have to.
People say that behind a smile is a thousand tears.
Well, i tell you, it takes a million smile to produce a tear.
So can you imagine how much hurt and pain i had gone through
Just to get into this situation i am in right now.
I have learnt to let it pass me, but not letting you all go.(:

tomorrow is the release of the chinese mother tongue o level results.
the painful and cruel wait for all the graduating students.
will i score, pass, fail, or do badly?
only time and god will know.
but i hope, the blow isnt too much for me.

today had a heart to heart talk with autistic girlfriend, fadhilah!
she is a really great girl. haha
shared so many untold secrets of each other.
i really thank God she is here.
P.s i realize something, every time when i thank God he blessing me when someone,
something bad will happen between us. shucks -.-, so i shouldnt thank him so randomly, should i?

and also, i realise, my handphone inbox is flooded with clara's name -.-
LOL, hahaha.
i really miss her man): , haha.


Monday, August 17, 2009

What went wrong between us, that in the past,
we were full of words, always talking non stop.
Yet now, we have as though forgotten the time we had together.
Its like, from full of words and topics to laugh and talk about,
it became not a single word.
Somehow, perhaps, i have really faded from you.
and i tell you, it sucks.
Was it true, that i really was just nothing to you,
not even a friend.
Maybe after all, i really was just something you can use when you are bored.
Yes, i not only meant ____. I also meant ______ and _____.

I am seriously pissed at myself for unable to control myself.
I am mad at myself because i failed to see everything.
I am angry at everyone who loves to make a fool out of me.
Yet lastly, i am hurt because of what you did to me.

Today oral was alright,
i loved it when they asked about shopping.
lols, haha. (:
nothing much happened today though.

i really really miss the 3 weeks we had together.
Yet, you are just as though using me
If not for my fragile heart, and the memories,
i would have freed the pain already.


Sunday, August 16, 2009

Lol, currently showing new handphone off to clara chua.
Hilarious. hahaha :D

went to meet j yesterday.
Dude, thanks for your ss notes.
I am really touched by it. (did i mention its freaking thick? (: )
lols, nearly mistook another guy as him -.-.
Cos, for a 170 cm guy, J is short.
haha, happy ok, when he said i dont look like 158! :D
FINALLY DUDES. FINALLY.

ps, i was shocked because yesterday
after tuition, dad was like,
quick go change, we are getting a new handphone.
At first, i thought it was for mom.
Then he said, what phone do you like?
After lunch we go m1 at tampines mall to see.
i was like, HUH?
yes, i know, i lacked a bit.
Then he was like, your old phone give to mom, you get a new one.
I was still, HUH?
and my sis said, you dam stupid can. -.-
lols.
so now, i am a new proud owner of my nokia RED e71.
ps, look at how i stress the word, RED.
hahah(:

ok, off to wait for jiajing now.
bye!


Friday, August 14, 2009

did a face book quiz just now and got this result
You tend to laugh and joke around when you are with everyone, but you feel lonely and empty when are all alone. you cry alone when you have stress and problems. you often have many problems that are bugging you, but you never show them out on your face. you are not as cheerful as they thought, but you just don't wish to spoil the mood of everyone, hence you hide your emotions inside. you are just a weak human with feelings after all.
I am really tired, mood less and stress.
i seriously do not feel the same me recently.
Something is holding me back from being truly happy.
Yet, i do not know what it is.
Is it because of him?
Or is it because of them.
Or is it i have come into terms with just being emotionless.

amanda foo, where is the true you?
i want to be happy again. yet somehow, i have forgotten what is happy.



Its because i chose to love, and this why i got into this depression.
Its because i chose to believe, and this is why i got into this state.
Its because you chose to ignore, and this is why i chose to hate.
If making you leave is a better choice, by all means, go.
Cause, i live my life for a better person, not you.

Been really miserable this entire week.
thanks for those who have been cheering me up.
Special thanks to clara, kp, kn, j and wilson(:
now i understand why people occupy themselves by messaging others.
its because, they want to kill time, and to forget everything.
Focusing on just one thing really makes a difference.
So thanks guys, for being there for me when i needed someone to catch me
when i am falling, without knowing.

I am not sure what really is going on.
Yet, i feel a really special peace the moment i started to let him go.
I started to become a little normal back again
once i started to get use to this treatment from you two.
just another few more months to go.
i really cant wait.
yet, i really cant bear to let go.

p.s to kn and kp, no matter what, i am making sure i get to pinch your cheeks when i see you two! and who cares if you are one year older than me. HAHAHAHAHA ! :D


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

is it just me being too sensitive
or is it history that is going to repeat itself once again.
Oh lord, i am seriously sick and tired of my situation.
I know i tend to be too sensitive at times.
But i am really afraid of losing them.

nothing much lately.
really tired and lazy too.
trying my best to live life without him.
will i succeed?
i think so.

i just found a really interesting way to cure my depression.
while stoning in front of the computer listening to songs,
in addition to a kinderjoy really works for me(:

c,j,k
i dont know what is going on.
but i feel drifted away from you 3.
it seems as though,
i have nothing in common with you 3 anymore.
is it me being sensitive,
or is it something really going on.
God, i pray, i really want to have a stronger emotion.
i am tired of always being the one with a weak, fragile heart

now, come to think of it, i am in this situation because i tend to take things for granted. i believe that everything is God's blessing, and this enjoyable feeling will last forever. yet, i am terribly wrong. when everything come crashing down, it is like as though, i have been shot and died on the spot. is it human nature that when something is with us, we will tend to believe that it will last forever, and when it is gone, we would start to think of the enjoyable memories. i have seriously learn from here, never ever ever take things for granted. also, when everyone is able to move on and take it easily, amanda, you too must move on. hanging on isnt going to make you feel better. neither would anyone sympathies you. Because in this world, if you are nice and kind and take things for granted with a small glass heart, you will be the first one who will be dead. is it really true, that friends are here for you to take advantage of? if no, why am i always taken advantage of? ):





Sunday, August 9, 2009

Please, it does not matter whether or not girls have higher EQ. Guys, please, do not take this as an advantage to hurt girls. So what if we have higher EQ? It does not make us inferior. We are not play toys alright? Do not make us feel special for a moment and the next, dump us aside like some toys. Even though if i am afraid of losing you, hold on to you does not make a difference either. I have learnt my lesson. Even if i am treating you specially, you are not going to do it back to me too.

Yesterday had a fun time during cell group.
Went out with clara at 3 to buy her stupid present for her friend.
Lol, end up, also i do everything.
Had to call the guys on my friend's list to ask what do guys like.
I mean, seriously, i am a pure victim from head to toe!
One answer was, i dont know what a guy like. -.-
You are a guy, yet you dont know what you normally like.
Its like, hey, i am a girl ok. How i know what would a guy want.

Sigh, going to be a long and boring day again.
Staying at home, not going anywhere. ):
With no one to accompany me kill time.
Now with my current situation, i am depressed enough.
Yet, i just heard from my dad few days ago, my grandma is going to go off anytime.
Sigh, i really hope that the Lord will take her home soon.
Away from her sufferings.
Yet, my relatives says that letting her go like that is a sin? -.-
They even said the doc should try to revive her by using the electricity thing
Sigh, poor her. But still, i really pray for the best.

yes, so what if i missed messaging you.
so what if i found out that without you coming online,
my com would be dead.
so what if i really want to go back to time and treasure the moments i had with you.
so what?
it isnt going to make any more difference.
all i can look forward now, is that you would spend time with me once again.


Thursday, August 6, 2009

One after another, the problems are fading.
Yet, you are still here to allow my heart to ache.
You said after your stuff, you would find time to accompany me.
Though i am happy, i fear its just empty promises.
Like how you said you would accompany me to somewhere, yet you last minute canceled.
Tell you the truth, i dreamed of you last night.
Of you messaging me, that you would leave me.
I am really afraid of losing you.
Though you act like you dont know me in public.
Inside me, i long that within these few months left,
we will enjoy each others company before you forget me.
Cause i know, i am not the one which you are going to treasure.
And you are just treating me as a substitute to rid your boredom.



I want to know, and want to understand how a make believe world feels like. Where friends would never leave you, people would understand you. Everyone would treat it like you exist, and that they would not take advantage of you. Someone, teach me to create a wall and mask. I want this mask to hide and blend my emotions well, so that people would no longer guess how i feel. I want the wall to protect me from hurts and all.

What exactly is friendship? Everyone says friends would stay and stand by you, to shelter you from everything. Why am i not having these group of people then. Why is everyone leaving me one by one. Does it satisfy them that i fall?

You promised me to stay by my side no matter what. You said all the others who hurt me in the past were jerks. Now, you are creating a history for yourself, of being a jerk in my life. Because, you are going to leave me hanging, just when i needed someone. You are going to leave without a word, like everyone else. Also, if you dont have the capability to be here when i need someone, dont bother to act like you are concern. Cause, telling you how much i truly need you around isnt going to make any difference. So please, dont shed any crocodile tears over me. There are better girls out there. Im may be after all, a nobody to you. Just a girl whom you waste your messages on.

Anyway, lets get down to business.
I wonder have i lost weight.
Cause i have been getting gastric, yet skipping my meals regularly(:
Its like, i have not been eating at all for the past few days. HAHAHA.
No, i am not having anorexia, though it may be fun to slim down a lot.
I dont want to be skin and bones -.-
tomorrow having national day celebration.
Yet, i was let down, as usual. Plans had been cancelled.
Dont feel like going somewhere with them.
So staying at home to slack. (study?? hmm, thinking. haha)


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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

i dont want to lose anybody.
losing you two for a day is enough to kill me for the rest of the week.
what can i do to make you understand,
that what you think, may not be what you seem to know?

crapcrapcrap -.-
my stomach is hurting like F.
today even worse, cried till my eyes went sore.
and to ______, i really dont know what you want, but i want you to truly understand,
this whole thing is a misunderstanding. i really want things to get better.

to __________, i really hope that you wouldnt leaving me hanging when i really need you.
though i know, i dont mean a lot to you, but this friendship, i really want it to stay.
i dont want to go on crying for months, losing everything i got.
i already got the best of both worlds.
A loving, caring clique
and an important friend like you.
i dont want to end up having nothing.

why is it that whenever something happen,
i always seem to be the one most affected,
while everyone acts like nothing happens,
and that if i cry is because i deserve it?


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

i know everything is my fault.
i just want to tell, im sorry.
i know i shouldnt have gone too far with him.
i dont know if you care, but to me,
when you told me about he not messaging you anymore,
i dont know why, but you sounded reluctant.
i know, you know him more than i do.
i know, you knew him longer than i did.
yet, a mere person like me is spending more time with him.
i know i shouldnt have.
i know i have let you down.
but i just want you to know.
i will never lose a friend, just because of a guy.


Saturday, August 1, 2009

Today was really a nice day for me.
Went to meet _______ in the end,
lols, sorry cynthia! dont worry.
he is all yours.
talking about our etiquette.
i feel so ...
get what i mean?
1) i ate way faster than him.
2) his eating is seriously gentle.
3) he doesnt gobble his food like me!
4) summaries everything, he totally changed my perspective of a guy eating habit!
but still, there is no way i am eating so gently, even all my friends said me. -.-
hahha!
by the cynthia if you see this, he really match you.
he waste food, just like you(:
btw, did i mention that _____ is like a block of wood that doesnt talk
unless he has to? or that when i break the silence?
sigh. bored stiff! x:
but still, thanks for bothering to come from chaichee to bedok.
for just 40 mins. haha!(:

had a heart to heart chat with steffy.
sorry honey, i know i am too direct at times.
and my temper, i know, it is not easy to bear.
but thanks for being so nice to me after all.
seriously, when you leave singapore, i will deeply miss you):
and to huey, i know what i said made you wonder.
but i still said, my temper isnt easy, my tongue can produce mean words at times.
but still, i love you and respect you as a friend, a cell leader(:

off to do e maths -.-.



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Daughter of God.
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The May Baby.
Born to bring Love, Joy and Chaos.




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