The love has moved on, but not the fear and hurts.
Oh well, had tuition as usual. Woke up feeling really tired and sick): Thankfully im fine after the medicine. Imagine me falling ill at this crucial period. It would be like a death sentence.
What a beautiful weather today. Cooling wind with fluffy clouds painted across the relaxing grey sky. However, my moods are not following the happiness. I am feeling partially depressed and unhappy. Have no idea why.
Man, maths and english are finally over. Ok, now going to be flooded by textbook based subjects. Dang it, it is going to be worse -.-. Totally tired of olevels. Energy level had been drained and wiped out completely.):
Unable to focus on my studies man.. My no mood attitude has taken over everything. I HAD EVEN REJECTED FOOD O: Wow. -.-. But i still have no idea why.
You are gone on the surface, but not in the inside. Your were that special key for my heart and you fitted just right for the lock. However, you just wouldn't budge and leave a prick in me.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I wish things were just like before.
Today a maths paper was not really what i expected. I find it manageable though. However, i pray that i will be able to get at least a c6 for tomorrow. Paper 2 are always a problem for me -.-.
DANG, i lost my pencil case! What the crap man seriously. GAH. I pray i will find it tomorrow in school. Please please please, may my pencil case be watched by you God! Hard to swallow the fact that you are gone. Difficult to accept the truth that we have walked to a point of no return. Man, i still can't get over you.
I have the urge to eat my cheesecake. Yet then again, i thought of my promise to clara chua for our tankini -.-. And besides, i can feel my hideous digusting looking fats sticking out of my body. And looking at my helplessly short fat and ugly legs, GAH. I bet if i paint myself grey and lie at the amazon river, PEOPLE WILL MISTAKE ME AS A HIPPO. DANG.
Dang it, so now i am having just a bar of kinder bueno. What a life!):
I miss you. I just wish things were just like how it were back then.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Some say, its alright. What's done cannot be undone. Just learn from your mistake and not repeat it again. Screw those who created this theory. Dang you people. Let me tell you all i screwed up just about everything. About my love life, about my emotions, about my friendships, about my studies. I might as well just end everything for once by jumping down the building. -.-.
Everything was fine until the paper. Nearly missed the bus, Thankfully i rushed out of house and chased that bus. Thank god that driver is a slow mo peep. If not, i would have just threw my shoes at that bus -.-. Took that dang paper, stupid Cambridge, did you hate me so much that i got to lose so many marks? Screw you -.-. And to those who know the exact number of marks, stop making me worse by telling me how to do -.-. Ya la ya la, i broke down at the dam hall la ok. So totally ruined my image.
There are currently so many voices inside me, in fact too much, i can't find my very own voice. I miss being happy. They say when you cry, you feel better. Another wrong theory. -.- Because i discovered, the more i cry, the more i get addicted to it. Because now, tears are my only companion.
Everything felt right when you were here.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
2 papers down, 9 more to go. Though i am tired mentally and physically and emotionally, I will win this battle. For this final lap, i shall win. For God, my family and i. History shall not repeat itself. Because this shall be the last and final lap before i set my life right.
I saw him today. Gah, needless to say, i went insane. Gosh, he is so hot and sexy la! Yea, he swept me off the ground and i will floating. Haha, insane -.-.
Emaths paper 1, alright.. Kind of easy. However, shall not be complacent. Paper 1 easy means paper 2 hard. SHUCKS D:
alright, off to study!
It took me a long while to discover, i really loved you. However, i only found out when i was starting to lose you. And now i lost you, i regretted not telling you earlier. Now i regretted so much, there is no return. My friends said i still can save this friendship or relationship between us. However my answer was, even if i wanted to save, you have already given up. My friends said i should forget you since you are not coming back. The problem is, i lost my heart and its no longer with me. Because, you stole it and abandon it somewhere far that i can't find it. Boy, if things are turning out something i had already foreseen, the only thing i couldn't take it was you came back and left. This time, it was even a harder blow. Yes, one sentence for you. I love you. However, i realise, i am never going to have you back again.
They said you love me, however, i don't feel it. I just want to hear it from you.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I just found out today, i really have no more energy left to deny. All i know now is, there is so many things around me. However, there are some things that were made clearly to me. 1. I found out i still love you. 2. You are no longer around. 3. Perhaps, i was never in your heart. 4. I don't want my studies to be affected by you and it seems easy yet hard. 5. I am tired of crying to sleep. But every night, the tears will automatically flow out. 6. I loved you too much, i am starting to hate you. 7. Even though around me is cold air, i somehow feel you warm embrace. 8. I am freaking tired of everything, be it studies or you. Hence, this time, this is going to be a really long battle. Though you are gone, you often creep back into me. I am tired of feeling cold inside. I am tired of feeling unhappy when being alone. I really don't know why on earth am i so affected by you leaving twice. My friends said i should have long ago moved on. They said you weren't worth a pinch in me. They told me you only loved her and never me. They noted that you left without words twice to prove it all.
I admit i am trying to make myself believe that you will still come back. I don't care if i looked like a vulnerable fool. I knew when you and her were friends, i shouldn't have gone too close to you. But somehow, i have no slight idea why i got so attracted to you.
Perhaps i still miss you because i am bored. Maybe i still love you because i am stressed. If not, it is because you are still in me. Anyway, here is something cheerful. I am counting down to 11 nov. Dang it, 21 days to holidays! Sadly, 3 more days to olevels -.-.
Is it true that when you truly love a person for the first time, you will surely get hurt?
Friday, October 23, 2009
111009
To this very important and special date shall i count down to it. Truly a beautiful string of numbers for such a beautiful day.
Shall announce something everyone will be jealous of. I woke up at 12.35 pm today! Impressive, isnt it? Haha. Have been studying and revising maths. For the sake of the battle, i will continue.
Yawns! there is simply too many things i want to do after my olevels. GAH, however most importantly, i will be working! Wow, i-am-working. Woah. Well, surprisingly i am working :\. Haha.
P.s i realise something horrible. Without my handphone, i feel naked. Seriously, i will feel bare.):
Thursday, October 22, 2009
When i was having the tormenting locked up period, i thought of you. My hands yearned for you. Your soft delicate skin, smooth beyond comprehension. Without you being by my side, it was really a torture. I missed you during that 4 long and draggy hours. Finally, at 2.35 pm, i had a chance to touch you and to see you again. Oh marvelous handphone of mine! Finally we can be together again! (haha, what were you readers thinking when i said all these? :D)
Thanks to all those who messaged me to wish me luck. I don't need to name who. Just know who you are. Haha. Greatly appreciated, thanks.
After the tormenting hours of torture, head to lunch with steph and huisi. Sorry jiayi, i kept abandoning you. Dang it, i feel so bad): Had a heart to heart talk with them. Bitched about some people and shared secrets. I simply can't wait to hang out with you 2 again. Haha. Yea, i think i damaged my diaphragm as i laughed too much -.- Because until now it hurts. Haha Missing you girls right now! You used to be the one who does not acknowledge me as a friend. Now, i shall acknowledge you as a stranger in public. Maybe better, i will declare, i never knew you before.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I am seriously sick and tired. Though the olevels are nearing, i am not ready. I tried my best, it was seen as not enough. I was worrying for this battle, it was seen as pure neglect. My mind is no longer absorbing anything, but i am still forcing myself to study. Just hope my health wont fail me. I mean, i was studying yesterday till 12 when suddenly i felt so giddy, everything blacked out. Scary.
Its really ironic. The stress and pressure is not from the exams itself. But from my environment (parents and etc.) I really pray now, the worse fear wouldn't happen.
Anyway, you are completely gone. Though the scars remain, there is nothing much i can do. All i know now is, i will never let minors like you affect me. To tell you the truth, i can't even remember all the things we done together. Most importantly, i can't even remember how you looked like.
Thursday is the practical. Dang it, going to be stuck in that stuffy disgusting hall for 4 hours -.- What a killer. Sigh...
And worse, now is 11.58 pm and i am not asleep! First time in the history of man kind. Great achievement, isn't it?(:
Sunday, October 18, 2009
alright people. I am going insane soon. O levels are killing me. However, the thought of my holidays are freaking me out. I have already made gorgeous plans with my darlings!
I am just typing them here because i am jealous that min yi's exams are over. And yes, she was busy showing off to us yesterday. Haha
Things to do after o levels: 1. Get my hair done with clara! 2. Go shopping with clara! 3. Dress deborah and minyi up for their prom! 4. Go wild wild wet with sinyee, tani and the rest! 5. Get a manicure? haha. 6. Hang out with those i promised i would hang out with! 7. Head to Taipei or Bangkok for a week for shopping and holiday :D 8. Plan out a huge girl-licious outing with cell to celebrate the end of olevels and everyone's birthday 9. Maybe i will get a job after spending too much money. (MAYBE) 10. Go gym to slim down. (Note, its slimming down O:) 11. Learn roller blading 12. Learn beach Volleyball
And even worse, Jia Jing told me, if i get A for my e maths and science, he is going to bring me to bukit timah for alcohol ice cream! And he was busy tempting me during tuition -.-. Funny thing was, he said he should take a picture of me. So next time when we bump into each other he will laugh at how geek i am now -.-. Let me tell you people first, he is way geekier than me! When you see his iphone, you will know what i mean. Haha.
Gosh, so tell me, how on earth can i not go nuts? My my, holidays are so tempting aren't they?
as days passed i am starting to feel that you are no longer in me. Why? Because guys with fickle minds are just a whole load of rubbish and a waste of my time.
and to you people who had been gossiping and bitching about me, you are just another bitch yourself. So just please blardy go get a life, immature babies. Why? Because, if you cant even accept straightforwardness and hate everyone, you are like oh my gosh, lame, childish, bitch and bustards, immature and babies. no, in fact way worse. P.s i hate hypocrites. Dont act nice if you are not. Rotten garbage -.-.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Did not attend school today as i was simply lazy to get out of bed. What an excuse isn't it. But hey, my cramps were simply horrible that i couldn't feel my stomach and legs.
I kind of miss the days when i had cramps, you would message me and try your best to cheer me up. Yes, you never failed to do so. And you were always a message away. Now,i am having cramps and yet, we are like the distance of the sun and Neptune. And you wouldn't reply. If you did, we would always run out of topics. If not, your replies were too cold that i hate to reply. It hurts in emotions and in health. I miss you badly, but you never did.
Had been studying e maths, history and a maths. Gah, tiring.
i miss my phone vibrating with your messages.
8 more days to olevels ZOH MY GOSH. GOD, BLESS ME.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Studying all day long. Really breaking down. Really tired.
When i heard that i am flying off to taipei at 27 nov, the first person that came into my mind was you. I seriously fear that i would miss you too much. Though i miss you now, the thought of being away to a foreign country hurts even more. The worse thing was, i heard a typhoon is heading towards taiwan area soon. However, my aunt kept asking me to go taiwan. Obviously she didn't believe the news. What made me worry most, if i really can't make it back to Singapore, would i get to hear you say i love you.
All i want to do is to cry in someone's arms. Yet, its so difficult to find comfort. Because, the only comfort now i could only think of is you. However, no matter how hard i tried, you were always so cold to me. No matter how hard i tried, i know we are becoming distant everyday. You said you are busy, but to me, you are giving excuses. Yet, because i loved you, i pretended to put up a strong front. However, i have already collapsed. Everyone said i should have given you up long ago. They said you were nothing special, that i should have moved on to him. Yet, the more you ignore me, the more i feel that i love you.
Though i really miss your messages, i know it would never happen again. Though i miss you laughing with me, we are now distant strangers. Though i really feel you by my side, its just cold air around me. Though i know i should hate you, in me, i still love you.
shucks, i should be studying now -.-. GAH, moodless -.-
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I really have no idea how to vent my emotions. I don't know what i am feeling now. I have cried so much, i forgot what it felt like if i do not cry myself to sleep. I have always wondered how love felt. Now that i felt it, i am hating it. And now i say to myself, how did it feel like when i did not love? I am tired of frowning. Tired of crying. Tired of pretending. Tired of hurting. Tired of loving. Tired of missing. Tired of aching. Tired of torturing myself. Finally, tired of everything.
Hate it when i miss you. Hate it when i fail to find a listening ear. Hate it when i think of you. Hate it when i dreamed of you. Hate it when i fail to find a comfort shoulder. Hate it that i have no one to talk to. Finally, hate it when i started loving you.
Even the most unlucky girl, never faced a guy who back out with what he started. Allow me to break this untrue fact. I am so unfortunate to have fallen for you. I am so foolish to trust you. You are unpredictable to the extend, i am afraid. You always left just when i got my feet back. You never fail to hurt me. You never fail to make me cry. You never fail to leave when i trusted you most. Eventually, you have unlocked something i has been avoiding. You unlocked something i been suppressing it since 3 months ago. You have unlocked my love for you. Now, i am unable to lock it back. Thanks so much.
All i wanted was your concern and love. I miss the guy i knew in July. I fear the guy i know now. I have lost. I have collapsed. Yet, you just choose to ignore everything. And i chose to hold on to every memory. Be it hurtful or sweet. It just felt wrong and right at the same time. Its hurting so much, i cannot wait for olevels to end and just break down. I should not even be the one hurting. Yet, its because, i truly love you. However, you never did and will never do. It was just my wishful thinking that you would be here for me.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Just here to post something short before i disappear once again.
Everything was perfect ever since you left. I learnt to put the painful past behind. Till yesterday, you changed my life once again. And today, you twisted my so called perfect make believe that i could move on. Now, i am rooted to the ground, unwilling and unable to move on. And worse, you are going to leave once again. I was a fool to believe you. I knew where i was heading to, yet, i trusted you. I just know one thing for sure. I still love you. At the same time, i am starting to hate you more than i should have. boy, you could have left and i would have moved on. Yet, why didn't you? Why did you choose to test me when i assured everyone my feelings faded for you. Well, now you got me again. I plead you, do something both of us will never regret and get hurt. Be it to walk together for awhile before we part, or disappear into thin air like you did before. And this time, i beg you, don't come back or leave a trace.
I often think back on what went wrong. I often think that something was wrong. I often told myself there was something to save. Now i found out what was the mistake and what was there to save. I needed to save myself, from falling for you. My biggest mistake was trusting and loving you too deeply. You said you didn't need me anymore, i cried. You said you never loved me, i died inside. You said you want to leave, i tore apart. Last of all, you said something that made me melted. You told me you want me. Yet, i believed, this was a lie.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Decided to post for one last time before i mug myself to stress for olevels. Hey sisters, babes, hunks and brothers in my circle of friendship, after this tormenting exam, i am so going to make up for the lost time we had. Catching up with the latest movies and trends together. Finding out the latest gossips and secrets together Searching out for fun stuff to do together. Oh my, i am already planning play things when my examinations are not even the near of finishing?
I know this is lame but i just want to tell these important people here.
Clara and Fangyi - Hey babes, i am so looking forward to shopping and screaming and laughing together with you two. Yea, clara chua, i know how much you want to drag me out of my 'shell' on the last day of the O. I promise you, just let me off one day first then i shall go crazy with you. HAHA.
Yuqing and Steph - Hey loves, thanks for being here for me through thick and thin. I am so looking forward for us to catch up with each other after the O. See you girls round! :D.
Sin yee, Tani, Jia Yi, Shake, Huimei, Kelly- Hey darls, lets go crazy after O. Cant wait to shop, sing, and drop together without any worries! Haha, see you babes soon!
Jon - Hey bro, remember our movie date together! Haha, see you soon my big unroyal brother!
Dawn - Sis! How can i ever forget you? Sorry for always rejecting your invitations on going out. Dont worry, you will see me soon. Happy counting down to 11 Nov sis. See you soon!
Kok Peng - Mr tiny! Remember our lunch date together ok? Haha. Dont make me drag you down to tamp! See you after my O!
Fadhilah - Fala sister! Heh, think i would forget you in this list? Never! For four years babe, we never hang out anywhere except school! My, where is life? Haha. So lets hang out with others after O alright? Loves and see you soon.
And finally, to all those whom i promised to hang out with - Sorry if i didnt mention you guys for i may have forgotten and simply, i made too much promises. Haha, so see you all after my O.
Alright, shall end my long winded post here. However, do remember to keep this blog alive by tagging. Will only reply to tags. Bye readers. (:
If you put in the effort and are willing to sow the seeds with sincerity, God will do miracles and wonders in your life. Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Really disappointed with my prelim results. It was totally demoralizing and shocking. Lord, i pray history won't repeat itself. Please, i pray for a miracle. I don't wish to see the tears on my parents again.
Met Lester in church to study. Gosh, it was so embarrassing -.-. Come on darlings, he is just A FRIEND. It was weird how Lester described that everyone teased me like i struck lottery. Funny, cute, hilarious and sky knows what. And just a question L, did any guys teased you too? If no, wow, i never knew you bunch would be more matured. HAHA. By the way, sorry for the embarrassment and wasting your time. Yet, thanks for teaching me. Oh yes, by the way, you are a maths freak right? haha, no offense meant, LLYS.
And finally, after months of searching for high waist skirt and a top to go with it. I FINALLY managed to persuade my mom for buying one for me in bugis street yesterday. When i came home to try it, i fell in love with it as quickly as how i fell in love with it when i saw it at the shop. Going to wear it to church today. Hope it does not rain, if not no heel D:
alright, off to finish tuition homework. Gosh, it is so thick i wish i can strangle jiajing. hahha! And yes, he tortured me by making me eat two sour mix mentos -.-. I was busy hiding my face because it was too sour -.-. And he was there, laughing and saying tomorrow its war heads. hahaha.
to those who had been here for me during my period of stress and depression, i thank you for being here for me. wasting your time replyng my messages trying to show your concerns, i thank you. for every word, every action. And yes, there is too many people to thank, but just know who you are. Thank you, with loves and hugs.
For even the most negative thing could be a positive thing. It depends on how you look at it.
